Wise Words

I just read a post by Rosemary, on the FB page "Mother of an Addict" that is truly profound:
"Trying to save an addict is like trying to swim to the surface with them pulling you down. If you down let go, you will both drown."
For myself, I was feeling the desperate struggle to save myself, when I realized that there was nothing I could do to save my daughter.

Sometimes

More often than not lately, especially with Christmas lurking around the corner, I wonder what my life would be like if pills had not invaded my family.

Last Wills and Testaments

Since I don't have contact with my daughter anymore, I don't have much to blog about. I read the other blogs and contribute if I feel I have something useful to add. That being said, my daughter is never far from my heart and my mind. Lately, I have been contemplating my last will. I am seriously considering not leaving anything for her, not so much based on the fact that she is an addict and I don't know if she is in active addiction or not, but that she completely shut me out of her life. I have basically forgiven her, but it still is bothersome at times for me not to be part of her life at all. And of course, there are the grandkids I have never met. Anyway, I digress. How do you deal with this decision whether to leave any of your estate to your addict kids? Would you include them if they were in recovery for a certain period of time? What about if they are still active in their addiction? To me, it would mean that I leave my hard earned possessions to my daughter and I can just about bet what it would be used for. What about someone who is in recovery and all of a sudden inherets something valuable. Would that be a trigger to start using again? Skip a generation and leave it to the grandchildren? What if there ae no grandchildren? Please give me your thoughts.

Calling out other bloggers is just wrong!

I have come across this problem a few times now and it really makes me angry. There is no need to call out other bloggers and make examples out of them. Lord knows, none of us is perfect, but we are trying our best to cope with a very difficult situation on a daily basis.. We are allowing others to take an intimate look at our most sacred worries and fear, hopes and loves. We should not be judged for that by our fellow bloggers.

I appeal to all members of our blogging community to abstain from this devastating practice. It serves no purpose and it defeats the true meaning of this self help support group of parents and loved ones of drug addicted childen.

Thank you.

Unresolved Anger

Yaya has hit on something very real in her comment to my last post. I still harbor a lot of unresolved anger. I am totally agreeing with this diagnosis. I am actually thankful that she brought this up. I don't know what to do about it. Has anyone read any books on this subject? My daughter has violated my trust many years ago, just like many of the other drug addicted kids have done to their parents. No amends have been made to me, after all I have done for her, like all of you. Nothing. Yes, that brings up anger every once and a while. I was raised to be thankful for everything my parents provided for me. We were always told how good we had it. Of course, it was in no comparison to how my kids grew up and they were also raised to be thankful. Drug addiction just strips our kids of any dignity or kindness or unselfishness they have or were taught. I have forgiven her but the anger still resides deep in my heart and sometimes I feel I hang on to it because it's all I have left of my beautiful girl.

Enjoying my Vacation

My husband and I are enjoying a week on the beach at Hilton Head, SC. It is one of our favorite places on this earth. It is so peaceful, cultivated and just pretty. Spanish moss and moon beams, paradise. Just before I left I called my daughter's dad and asked about her. I have not done this in about 6 months. He told me that she was doing "great". I asked him why, if she is doing so great, can't even call her mother on Mother's Day or any other occasion for 3 years now. He said that "we", her and I, are having a problem which he cannot solve for me. It really made me mad and upset for him to say this. He sounded so patronizing. Maybe I just took it that way, I am not sure. I wanted to scream into the phone: I don't have a problem, I love our daughter. Anyway, I know better than to inquiry about her. It just brings heartache. BTW, on our way home next Saturday, we are picking up a Cavachon puppy somewhere in Georgia and I am super excited. My husband feels that I need a distraction and a puppy would be good for me. I am also facing surgery in the fall on a "significant partial tear in a tendon" in my left foot which will require a cast for six weeks and a slow rehabilitation of 3 - 4 months. In the morning though, I'll be down on the beach.

180 Degrees?

Another Mother's Day has come and gone without a word from my daughter. I really did not expect to hear from her, but there is always this little shred of hope tucked into the back of my mind. She is a mother too, how would she feel if her kids ignored her on Mother's Day? Maybe she will find out in the future. I sure don't wish it for her.

I am going to try a different concept on for size and see how it fits. Instead of hoping and waiting to hear, I will practice being happy NOT to hear. Maybe God does no answer my prayer for a good reason. Maybe, maybe. I cannot second guess God's will or fate. My daughter could be doing me a favor by keeping me out of her life. Do I even want her in mine? I am not sure.

I read so many parents' blogs about being there for their children during and after recovery. I must have done everything wrong, because my daughter is not interested in my help in any way. She has a support group that does not include me. Sometimes I wonder where I have gone wrong. She has a husband who is a strong influence in her life and he does not want me in it. I will continue the grieving process...

Emotional

Today was very emotional for me. Actually, it started last night when I checked my mailbox coming home from work. There was a large envelope addressed to me. Now, I did have a warning beforehand. My daughter's stepmom had sent me an email letting me know that she was mailing me some pictures of my daughter's children that were taken by a professional photographer. The pictures were beautiful! The kids are precious, 3 and almost 2 years old. Brother and sister. Tears were running down my face looking at these innocent grandchildren of mine who have absolutely no idea that they have a grandmother living 2 hours up the road from them. I raised two kids, 18 months apart, brother and sister.

There was also a picture of the whole family. I was shocked by the way my daughter looked. Seems that she has aged 10 years since I have seen her last 3 years ago. I don't know what to think about that. Well, I guess we all age. It just seems so shocking looking at my daughter and seeing a middle aged women, when she is only 30years old. Let's just say, the years were not kind to her. But she is alive and the children seem to be thriving. I have to do some significant soul searching to decide if I want to have a relationship with the grandkids, even possibly against my daughter's will. I really don't know if I have the strength to go forward with it.
One thing I know for sure is that I don't trust her and she has made no attempts to gain my trust back. It is hard to start anything given these premises. As far as I know she is not in recovery. She used to be, but her husband talked her out of it since he believes that you can quit doing drugs anytime. I know, he is a genius.

The kids grow up fast. I'll have to make a decision soon. My husband says that things change all the time, and one of these days, I will meet the grandchildren one way or the other. But what to do in the meantime?

The Grandchildren

Through the magic of Face Book I am now able to see pictures of my daughter and her family because their pictures are open to view by friends, as well as friends of friends. There are about 6 people who are friends with me and also with my daughter. From afar and from the pictures of these two little cuties, it seems like life is going well. They took a trip out of town last weekend and posted a lot of pictures of two happy little children. I am hoping and praying that the pictures correctly display what is really going on. Only time will tell. I have actually come to the conclusion that I am fine with never beeing able to see my precious daughter again or meet her kids, as long as I know that they are doing fine. Amazing, how recovery changes your outlook in life. My controlling, enabling attitude has totally vanished. Serenity and peace are what I am striving for.

No Expectations

Sunday is my birthday. I have no expectations that I will hear from my daughter. This will now mark the third birthday in a row that I will not hear from my girl. Four years ago she came to see me and brought me a big orange tag for my suitcase so I could find it easier on the conveyor belt when I travel. She also brought me a basketball signed by the head coach of the basketball team we cheer for at the university we both graduated from. Those were such thoughtful gifts and took a lot of effort to accomplish. She bought the ball, had to drop it off at the university, wait about 2 weeks for the autograph and then pick it back up. She knew that I would love it and she was right! I still see her proud face when she saw how surprised and delighted I was. How could I not have been convinced that she had recovered from drug use? Little did I know that the worst was yet to come. Jail, babies I won't get to see, a marriage to a dealer/enabler, etc. How high my expectations were then. Now, I have none. I have gotten used to it and I will have a great day on Sunday and enjoy the well wishers who will remember it. I sure love her and miss her with all my heart though.

Valentine's Day Weekend

My husband and I have never been big on celebrating Valentine's Day in the past, especially since my birthday is just 6 days later. There is only so much celebrating you can do! I was really surprised when he told me about a famous upscale hotel chain in town advertising their V D Weekend Special and that he wanted to go! We had just won $200.00 on a Superbowl board last Sunday and he thought that this was the perfect way to spend it. So we are going to check into a local hotel, eat chocolate covered strawberries, drink champagne, eat dinner, dance to live music, have breakfast in the morning and don't have to check out till 2 p.m. Sounds like a perfect date to me! I would have never felt up to doing something like this just 2 years ago. Time changes everything. I have learned to concentrate on my life and make the best of my marriage instead of weighing it down with constant worries that will not change a thing. Life is good.
Happy Valentine's Day!

The Religious Difference

Well, today was the first time ever that my step-mom would not talk to me. When I called, my dad answered the phone and told me that she does not want to talk to anyone or see anyone. She is in bed and sleeping. The morphine pills are not working and now the pains have shifted to her other side. She is eating very little, and what she eats, she can't keep down. I don't like what I hear. It does not sound good. Here in the South, everyone who I talk to about my step-mom, tells me that they will be praying for her. In Germany, on the other hand, nobody talks about praying for anyone. I told a friend in Germany today that I will be going to church tomorrow and pray for my step-mom, she said that she did not need to go to church in order to do that. If I told dad that I will be praying for her, he would think that I am not right in the head anymore. Don't get me wrong, my step-mom used to go to church and my dad had joined her there lately. When my mom was alive, she'd go to church with my sister and I. We grew up Catholic in a predominantly Catholic town in Northern Bavaria. I quit going to church after my mom passed away when I was 18 years old, but the trials and tribulations with my daughter brought me closer to my faith again. I think I have become more spiritual than catholic, but the faith in God is definitely returning. In Germany, the younger generations do not go to church very much. I have been thinking about this cultural, religious difference a lot and I am not sure what to make of it.

Changes

It's been a long time since I have had the time and desire to write anything down. I had decided to make me the focus of this blog. I have come to realize that I have other interests, concerns and joys in my life besides an estranged drug addicted child. Right now my biggest concern is my stepmom in Germany. She has been married to my dad for almost 40 years, after my mom passed away from cancer in the early 70's. She has been part of my life for a long time. It is no family secret that neither me or my sister ever became best friends with our stepmom. Actually, at times we did not like her very much at all. After my children were born, she delighted in being a grandmother and my children enjoyed spending just about every summer with her and my dad in Germany and traveling around Europe. I appreciate how she welcomed my children (and my sister's kids as well) into her life. She was the only grandmother they have ever known. Well, she has fought and survived breastcancer and has been cancer free for three years. A couple of months ago we found out that her cancer has returned and is now located in her spine. She is in great pain and just finished radiation treatment. She cannot move around anymore, only a little on crutches. Just today for the first time, she was given morphine pills for the pain. I am finding out that narcotic pain killers are rarely prescribed in Germany. My dad, who is now 87 years old, went to the pharmacy to pick up her medication only to be told to return in a few hours because narcotic pain killers are not stocked at the pharmacy but ordered on a demand by demand basis. No pharmacy stick up for narcotics in Germany! Anyway, my stepmom is suffering, waiting in horrible pain for some relief while my dad is taking care of her. I wish I lived closer and could be of more help. It's a helpless feeling being an ocean away from your family. It does have it's advantages at times, but then again it sure can be inconvenient too.