Unresolved Anger

Yaya has hit on something very real in her comment to my last post. I still harbor a lot of unresolved anger. I am totally agreeing with this diagnosis. I am actually thankful that she brought this up. I don't know what to do about it. Has anyone read any books on this subject? My daughter has violated my trust many years ago, just like many of the other drug addicted kids have done to their parents. No amends have been made to me, after all I have done for her, like all of you. Nothing. Yes, that brings up anger every once and a while. I was raised to be thankful for everything my parents provided for me. We were always told how good we had it. Of course, it was in no comparison to how my kids grew up and they were also raised to be thankful. Drug addiction just strips our kids of any dignity or kindness or unselfishness they have or were taught. I have forgiven her but the anger still resides deep in my heart and sometimes I feel I hang on to it because it's all I have left of my beautiful girl.

Enjoying my Vacation

My husband and I are enjoying a week on the beach at Hilton Head, SC. It is one of our favorite places on this earth. It is so peaceful, cultivated and just pretty. Spanish moss and moon beams, paradise. Just before I left I called my daughter's dad and asked about her. I have not done this in about 6 months. He told me that she was doing "great". I asked him why, if she is doing so great, can't even call her mother on Mother's Day or any other occasion for 3 years now. He said that "we", her and I, are having a problem which he cannot solve for me. It really made me mad and upset for him to say this. He sounded so patronizing. Maybe I just took it that way, I am not sure. I wanted to scream into the phone: I don't have a problem, I love our daughter. Anyway, I know better than to inquiry about her. It just brings heartache. BTW, on our way home next Saturday, we are picking up a Cavachon puppy somewhere in Georgia and I am super excited. My husband feels that I need a distraction and a puppy would be good for me. I am also facing surgery in the fall on a "significant partial tear in a tendon" in my left foot which will require a cast for six weeks and a slow rehabilitation of 3 - 4 months. In the morning though, I'll be down on the beach.

180 Degrees?

Another Mother's Day has come and gone without a word from my daughter. I really did not expect to hear from her, but there is always this little shred of hope tucked into the back of my mind. She is a mother too, how would she feel if her kids ignored her on Mother's Day? Maybe she will find out in the future. I sure don't wish it for her.

I am going to try a different concept on for size and see how it fits. Instead of hoping and waiting to hear, I will practice being happy NOT to hear. Maybe God does no answer my prayer for a good reason. Maybe, maybe. I cannot second guess God's will or fate. My daughter could be doing me a favor by keeping me out of her life. Do I even want her in mine? I am not sure.

I read so many parents' blogs about being there for their children during and after recovery. I must have done everything wrong, because my daughter is not interested in my help in any way. She has a support group that does not include me. Sometimes I wonder where I have gone wrong. She has a husband who is a strong influence in her life and he does not want me in it. I will continue the grieving process...

Emotional

Today was very emotional for me. Actually, it started last night when I checked my mailbox coming home from work. There was a large envelope addressed to me. Now, I did have a warning beforehand. My daughter's stepmom had sent me an email letting me know that she was mailing me some pictures of my daughter's children that were taken by a professional photographer. The pictures were beautiful! The kids are precious, 3 and almost 2 years old. Brother and sister. Tears were running down my face looking at these innocent grandchildren of mine who have absolutely no idea that they have a grandmother living 2 hours up the road from them. I raised two kids, 18 months apart, brother and sister.

There was also a picture of the whole family. I was shocked by the way my daughter looked. Seems that she has aged 10 years since I have seen her last 3 years ago. I don't know what to think about that. Well, I guess we all age. It just seems so shocking looking at my daughter and seeing a middle aged women, when she is only 30years old. Let's just say, the years were not kind to her. But she is alive and the children seem to be thriving. I have to do some significant soul searching to decide if I want to have a relationship with the grandkids, even possibly against my daughter's will. I really don't know if I have the strength to go forward with it.
One thing I know for sure is that I don't trust her and she has made no attempts to gain my trust back. It is hard to start anything given these premises. As far as I know she is not in recovery. She used to be, but her husband talked her out of it since he believes that you can quit doing drugs anytime. I know, he is a genius.

The kids grow up fast. I'll have to make a decision soon. My husband says that things change all the time, and one of these days, I will meet the grandchildren one way or the other. But what to do in the meantime?