The Grandchildren

Through the magic of Face Book I am now able to see pictures of my daughter and her family because their pictures are open to view by friends, as well as friends of friends. There are about 6 people who are friends with me and also with my daughter. From afar and from the pictures of these two little cuties, it seems like life is going well. They took a trip out of town last weekend and posted a lot of pictures of two happy little children. I am hoping and praying that the pictures correctly display what is really going on. Only time will tell. I have actually come to the conclusion that I am fine with never beeing able to see my precious daughter again or meet her kids, as long as I know that they are doing fine. Amazing, how recovery changes your outlook in life. My controlling, enabling attitude has totally vanished. Serenity and peace are what I am striving for.

No Expectations

Sunday is my birthday. I have no expectations that I will hear from my daughter. This will now mark the third birthday in a row that I will not hear from my girl. Four years ago she came to see me and brought me a big orange tag for my suitcase so I could find it easier on the conveyor belt when I travel. She also brought me a basketball signed by the head coach of the basketball team we cheer for at the university we both graduated from. Those were such thoughtful gifts and took a lot of effort to accomplish. She bought the ball, had to drop it off at the university, wait about 2 weeks for the autograph and then pick it back up. She knew that I would love it and she was right! I still see her proud face when she saw how surprised and delighted I was. How could I not have been convinced that she had recovered from drug use? Little did I know that the worst was yet to come. Jail, babies I won't get to see, a marriage to a dealer/enabler, etc. How high my expectations were then. Now, I have none. I have gotten used to it and I will have a great day on Sunday and enjoy the well wishers who will remember it. I sure love her and miss her with all my heart though.

Valentine's Day Weekend

My husband and I have never been big on celebrating Valentine's Day in the past, especially since my birthday is just 6 days later. There is only so much celebrating you can do! I was really surprised when he told me about a famous upscale hotel chain in town advertising their V D Weekend Special and that he wanted to go! We had just won $200.00 on a Superbowl board last Sunday and he thought that this was the perfect way to spend it. So we are going to check into a local hotel, eat chocolate covered strawberries, drink champagne, eat dinner, dance to live music, have breakfast in the morning and don't have to check out till 2 p.m. Sounds like a perfect date to me! I would have never felt up to doing something like this just 2 years ago. Time changes everything. I have learned to concentrate on my life and make the best of my marriage instead of weighing it down with constant worries that will not change a thing. Life is good.
Happy Valentine's Day!

The Religious Difference

Well, today was the first time ever that my step-mom would not talk to me. When I called, my dad answered the phone and told me that she does not want to talk to anyone or see anyone. She is in bed and sleeping. The morphine pills are not working and now the pains have shifted to her other side. She is eating very little, and what she eats, she can't keep down. I don't like what I hear. It does not sound good. Here in the South, everyone who I talk to about my step-mom, tells me that they will be praying for her. In Germany, on the other hand, nobody talks about praying for anyone. I told a friend in Germany today that I will be going to church tomorrow and pray for my step-mom, she said that she did not need to go to church in order to do that. If I told dad that I will be praying for her, he would think that I am not right in the head anymore. Don't get me wrong, my step-mom used to go to church and my dad had joined her there lately. When my mom was alive, she'd go to church with my sister and I. We grew up Catholic in a predominantly Catholic town in Northern Bavaria. I quit going to church after my mom passed away when I was 18 years old, but the trials and tribulations with my daughter brought me closer to my faith again. I think I have become more spiritual than catholic, but the faith in God is definitely returning. In Germany, the younger generations do not go to church very much. I have been thinking about this cultural, religious difference a lot and I am not sure what to make of it.

Changes

It's been a long time since I have had the time and desire to write anything down. I had decided to make me the focus of this blog. I have come to realize that I have other interests, concerns and joys in my life besides an estranged drug addicted child. Right now my biggest concern is my stepmom in Germany. She has been married to my dad for almost 40 years, after my mom passed away from cancer in the early 70's. She has been part of my life for a long time. It is no family secret that neither me or my sister ever became best friends with our stepmom. Actually, at times we did not like her very much at all. After my children were born, she delighted in being a grandmother and my children enjoyed spending just about every summer with her and my dad in Germany and traveling around Europe. I appreciate how she welcomed my children (and my sister's kids as well) into her life. She was the only grandmother they have ever known. Well, she has fought and survived breastcancer and has been cancer free for three years. A couple of months ago we found out that her cancer has returned and is now located in her spine. She is in great pain and just finished radiation treatment. She cannot move around anymore, only a little on crutches. Just today for the first time, she was given morphine pills for the pain. I am finding out that narcotic pain killers are rarely prescribed in Germany. My dad, who is now 87 years old, went to the pharmacy to pick up her medication only to be told to return in a few hours because narcotic pain killers are not stocked at the pharmacy but ordered on a demand by demand basis. No pharmacy stick up for narcotics in Germany! Anyway, my stepmom is suffering, waiting in horrible pain for some relief while my dad is taking care of her. I wish I lived closer and could be of more help. It's a helpless feeling being an ocean away from your family. It does have it's advantages at times, but then again it sure can be inconvenient too.