Status Quo - Keep on keeping on

It is a good thing that my husband is not an impulsive person.  He ponders everything for a while before reacting and making a decision.  He calms me down when I start to panic, which happens sometimes.  Anyway,  he always keeps a cool head and helps me see things from a different perspective.  He is concerned about his son's drug use, but he is far from the enabling kind like I used to be.  Time will tell if A gets it.  He is about to start a vocational school program, attending classes from 8 - 3 every day for three months.  He can either sink or swim.  He won the tuition lottery, got a Pell grant and won't have to pay tuition out of "our" pocket.  All I can do is wish him luck.

My daughter will start her new job tomorrow after a year hiatus to care for her cancer stricken husband.  He will have a PET scan next week to see if his cancer is now in remission.  He has been feeling much better and is gaining weight.  We are keeping our fingers crossed.  My daughter and the grandchildren will be visiting next week and I can't wait to put my arms around all of them.  I am learning slowly to let go of all the negativity and enjoy the positive that life has to offer.  I feel blessed. 

Here we go again - another one...

Unfortunately with lots of joy also comes some pain.  Like sunshine and rain.  We found out lately that my stepson A is taking narcotic pain medication prescribed by his doctor for Sclerosis.  He is on our health insurance and I became suspicious of the EOB's emailed to us by the insurance company.  I told my husband that this does not look good in my opinion.  A has had some trouble from the start of high school due to smoking and selling pot.  He has done some stints at the county jail and one at a rehab.  He has done community service, lost his driver 's license and his truck due to trouble with the law in the past.  He is 20 years old and since graduating from the alternative high school ( the normal one was too strict and his mother could not get him out of bed in the morning to attend regulars classes) he only held a couple of odd jobs.  Right now he has a paper route.  Anyway, it seems that he goes to the doctor once a month and he is on prescription lortabs, klonopin, relafen and wellbutrin.  It makes me sick to my stomach.  Unfortunately there has never been much communication between my husband and his son, neither one of them is a great communicator.  I was always the evil stepmother who tried to teach the child some manners.  But I digress.  This morning at 8:30 the phone rings and it's A calling.  That has never happened in the past, because he did not get out of bed till noon on a normal day.  I suppose the paper route has changed that somewhat.  A was chatty like I have never heard him before.  From listening to him talk to my husband I could tell that he was high as a kite.  My husband inquired a little about the prescriptions and A volunteered that yes he takes all these pills every day and yes he knows that he is not supposed to sell them, there are flyers all over the doctor's office telling patients that. And yes he goes once a month because doc does not give refills and he is being drug tested to make sure he takes the pills as opposed to selling them.  Yes, his mother nags him every day about quitting the pills, but, hey the doctor prescribes them and they do help with his back pain and his anxiety.  It's nuts!  My husband is dumb founded.  He has gone down that road with me dealing with my daughter.  And now we have another one headed in the same direction....  He lives 2 hours from our house and we have not seen him in a couple of years.  It seems that all we can do is wait for the inevitable or ?  Half of my heart is heavy and the other half is overjoyed...because.... see post below.

Birthday Party for my Granddaughter

Today was my youngest grandchild's fourth birthday and my husband and I were invited to her pool party.  This day can only be described with one word:  epic.  Who knew?  This marks the first time that I have been able to celebrate one of my daughter's children's birthday with them.  I can hardly describe the joy I carry in my heart and the blessing that has been bestowed on us.  We have been settling in a vey comfortable routine with my daughter and her family visiting us about every three weeks.  Every time they come to our house it feels like Christmas to me.  They always spend the night and I love how I get to spoil them while they are with us.  Since the very first time I met them back in January, they have easily been able to relate to me.  I think they sense the love I have for my daughter and vice versa and that makes it easy for them to trust me and my husband.  My son-in-law has had made a remarkable discovery from his almost fatal bout with colon cancer.  My daughter is a loving and caring mother.  The children are a pure joy and enrich our lives beyond belief.  I know I am gushing, but I just can't help myself.  We love seeing them grow up. There was a time not too long ago when I doubted that that would ever happen.   My grandson will be in Kindergarten in a few weeks.  My daughter found a job working for the public school system, starting in a couple of weeks.  We feel so incredibly blessed.

Today is my Birthday!

For the last few years I have waited for a word from my girl every birthday that came around. I waited and hoped, maybe next year. Well, today I did not have to wait very long! At 7:30 this morning, on my way to work my phone rang and two little voices were singing Happy Birthday to me! I cried tears of joy and told my little grandkids that this was the best birthday present ever! I am still in awe over the joy of this moment. I have so much peace in my heart being in touch again with my precious daughter and my grandchildren. We see each other about every other weekend, actually they are coming to celebrate my birthday on Saturday. I am so excited to get to see them again, play with them and love on them. Later on this morning, my son called on Skype and my other three grandkids serenated me from the other part of the world. This is the first birthday ever that I got to talk to all of my grandchildren and to my son and to my daughter. I am one blessed, happy mom/grand mom. A friend of mine on Face Book told me today: you are very loved. Yes, indeed I am!

The Grandchildren

On Saturday, I met my grandchildren for the first time. They are adorable, perfect, cute, sweet angels from heaven. My grandson is 5 and my little granddaughter is 3 years old. They were a little shy at first, but proudly presented me with their little hand prints on construction paper complete with magnets for me to put on my refrigerator. My daughter brought me pink tulips in a dish, perfect symbols of Spring, symbolizing a new beginning. I could not be happier or prouder. I am soaking up the moments and the opportunity to finally enjoy these little ones and have a new relationship with my girl. This is what I have hoped for and it is coming true so totally unexpectedly. I will see them again Sunday and I can't wait! Life is good, actually is more than that, it's awesome. That is all I know! Thank you for celebrating with me!

The Wait Is Over!

Almost 5 long years, and the wait is over. Boom, over, just like that. I can hardly believe it myself. D and I had a joyful reunion on Saturday at a nice restaurant. We hugged and cried for many minutes until we were finally able to settle down and get caught up on the "lost" years. It felt so right to have her sitting beside me and I suddenly realized how much of a void she had left in my life. Her personality is very similar to mine. My friends say she looks a lot like me. Her looks have changed over the years (I am sure mine have too), but where she always looked very young for her age, I suddenly saw a mature woman and not the little girl that was stuck in my mind. Right now I feel at ease and I am finally at peace, one day at a time. It is hard to express with words what I am feeling. Let's just say that every time my cell phone rings and it says "D" is calling, I do a double take. Can it really be true? The conversations flow easily, almost like we had never skipped a beat. Of course, I have my guard up and I told her that she now has a chance to earn my trust back. I realize that my joy cannot overshadow everything I have learned over the past 10 years. And did I say how good it felt to finally be able to put my arms around her once again, hold her close to my heart and tell how much I love her?

Joy and Hardship

I have not said anything in a long time because, well, there was just not much to say. Things have changed a little in the meantime. Shortly after Christmas I received a Christmas card from my daughter. Surprise is the understatement of the year! I had sent her a birthday card a couple of months earlier, but never expected to hear anything else. She had my granddaughter draw a few little hearts on the card because she also wanted to wish me a Merry Christmas. It melted my heart and at this point, my tears were in free flow. My daughter wanted me to give her my email address to that she could mail me some pictures of my grandchildren. I responded, got pictures and to make a long story short, we talked on the phone last night for a long time and for the first time in almost 5 years. We made plans to have lunch soon. I could not be more excited. Now to the sad part. My son-in-law is gravely ill. He had been treated for colorectal cancer and has lost so much weight that he has to be on introvenous feed for the time being. His bowels are non-functioning. The only thing helping with the painful cramps is liquid morphine. My daughter quit her job and is taking care of her two little ones and her husband. They are living with my exhusband, which brings a lot of problems with it, of course. My ex is supporting an extra four people under his roof. He is a saint, because I don't think I could do it. My daughter says she is totally stressed out and does not have 5 minutes to herself in a normal day. She is on Suboxone under a doctor's supervision. She calls it a miracle drug. I read many pros and cons about it, I am not really sure what to think of it. It works for her, so therefore it works for me too for the time being. I am scared and excited at the same time. The memories of my girl of the last ten years include nothing but addiction and its vast impact on everyone and every thing. I am ready to meet my grandchildren and to make new memories with my beloved girl. Wish me luck, I will need it.