The Grandchildren

On Saturday, I met my grandchildren for the first time. They are adorable, perfect, cute, sweet angels from heaven. My grandson is 5 and my little granddaughter is 3 years old. They were a little shy at first, but proudly presented me with their little hand prints on construction paper complete with magnets for me to put on my refrigerator. My daughter brought me pink tulips in a dish, perfect symbols of Spring, symbolizing a new beginning. I could not be happier or prouder. I am soaking up the moments and the opportunity to finally enjoy these little ones and have a new relationship with my girl. This is what I have hoped for and it is coming true so totally unexpectedly. I will see them again Sunday and I can't wait! Life is good, actually is more than that, it's awesome. That is all I know! Thank you for celebrating with me!

The Wait Is Over!

Almost 5 long years, and the wait is over. Boom, over, just like that. I can hardly believe it myself. D and I had a joyful reunion on Saturday at a nice restaurant. We hugged and cried for many minutes until we were finally able to settle down and get caught up on the "lost" years. It felt so right to have her sitting beside me and I suddenly realized how much of a void she had left in my life. Her personality is very similar to mine. My friends say she looks a lot like me. Her looks have changed over the years (I am sure mine have too), but where she always looked very young for her age, I suddenly saw a mature woman and not the little girl that was stuck in my mind. Right now I feel at ease and I am finally at peace, one day at a time. It is hard to express with words what I am feeling. Let's just say that every time my cell phone rings and it says "D" is calling, I do a double take. Can it really be true? The conversations flow easily, almost like we had never skipped a beat. Of course, I have my guard up and I told her that she now has a chance to earn my trust back. I realize that my joy cannot overshadow everything I have learned over the past 10 years. And did I say how good it felt to finally be able to put my arms around her once again, hold her close to my heart and tell how much I love her?

Joy and Hardship

I have not said anything in a long time because, well, there was just not much to say. Things have changed a little in the meantime. Shortly after Christmas I received a Christmas card from my daughter. Surprise is the understatement of the year! I had sent her a birthday card a couple of months earlier, but never expected to hear anything else. She had my granddaughter draw a few little hearts on the card because she also wanted to wish me a Merry Christmas. It melted my heart and at this point, my tears were in free flow. My daughter wanted me to give her my email address to that she could mail me some pictures of my grandchildren. I responded, got pictures and to make a long story short, we talked on the phone last night for a long time and for the first time in almost 5 years. We made plans to have lunch soon. I could not be more excited. Now to the sad part. My son-in-law is gravely ill. He had been treated for colorectal cancer and has lost so much weight that he has to be on introvenous feed for the time being. His bowels are non-functioning. The only thing helping with the painful cramps is liquid morphine. My daughter quit her job and is taking care of her two little ones and her husband. They are living with my exhusband, which brings a lot of problems with it, of course. My ex is supporting an extra four people under his roof. He is a saint, because I don't think I could do it. My daughter says she is totally stressed out and does not have 5 minutes to herself in a normal day. She is on Suboxone under a doctor's supervision. She calls it a miracle drug. I read many pros and cons about it, I am not really sure what to think of it. It works for her, so therefore it works for me too for the time being. I am scared and excited at the same time. The memories of my girl of the last ten years include nothing but addiction and its vast impact on everyone and every thing. I am ready to meet my grandchildren and to make new memories with my beloved girl. Wish me luck, I will need it.