Thursday, August 4, 2011
Last Wills and Testaments
Since I don't have contact with my daughter anymore, I don't have much to blog about. I read the other blogs and contribute if I feel I have something useful to add. That being said, my daughter is never far from my heart and my mind. Lately, I have been contemplating my last will. I am seriously considering not leaving anything for her, not so much based on the fact that she is an addict and I don't know if she is in active addiction or not, but that she completely shut me out of her life. I have basically forgiven her, but it still is bothersome at times for me not to be part of her life at all. And of course, there are the grandkids I have never met. Anyway, I digress. How do you deal with this decision whether to leave any of your estate to your addict kids? Would you include them if they were in recovery for a certain period of time? What about if they are still active in their addiction? To me, it would mean that I leave my hard earned possessions to my daughter and I can just about bet what it would be used for. What about someone who is in recovery and all of a sudden inherets something valuable. Would that be a trigger to start using again? Skip a generation and leave it to the grandchildren? What if there ae no grandchildren? Please give me your thoughts.
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I think this depends on how much you are talking, how many kids you have, etc. If your estate is substantial, you can appoint one of the other kids to handle the addicts money. I would contact an estate attorney if this is the case. If just regular, me... I would just leave her out, and make a bequest for college tuition ONLY to the grandkids. You are going to be dead anyway, and its YOUR money. In my book, if I wouldn't give them money when alive, I sure as heck won't do it when I'm dead. Just my opinion lol
Wow! I have not really considered this? I will have to think on it but I think Dawn gave good advice...no money now? Why would you give it later?
I think I would give it to the grandkids with specifics about them only getting it at a certain age. I don't really know....that's so hard,..I understand why you're unsure of how to handle it. :(
A few years back when we were in a different financial position our son was starting to get in trouble. When we were meeting with the Attorney to do our will this came up. I didn't even want to put an age on it because my gut feeling was he was going to get worse and my fear of course that the money would be blown on drugs. What we did was have it so that a very close friend of mine and the Attorney would be in charge of the money...however and I can't remember if it was 2 or 3 years he had to take 3 weekly drug tests and must have a job unless he was in school full-time and then she would help with his rent and food but he still had to have a part-time job and if my friend thought that he was not doing well then she had the right to extend the time he could get the money. It wasn't a lot but enough for a good downpayment on a house and perhaps a car. There was a cap on how much (or range as one never knows about the market) for the house and a cap on the car. Anything above that he would have to pay for. It was really involved and there was a lot more to it but I have known my friend since I was 9 and I know she would always do the right thing. I didn't do anything with grandkids since I don't have any yet but after this experience with B I would have major stipulations as well, but who knows if he would ever have kids. I rarely disagree with Dawn, but I did not go to College and I have done pretty well. College is not for everyone and I personally do not think it should be the only option.
Thank you friends, all valid points to ponder. This damn disease creeps into all facets of life...
My son is creeping up on two years clean and I still worry about this. Since my husband left and we are working towards finalizing the divorce, I only really have my son. I will have to also figure out how to deal with whatever "estate" I have.
We faced the same situation a few years ago when my husband inherited a small amount from his mother. We put our savings with it, and formed a family trust, with the assistance of a family trust lawyer. My heart breaks every time I think about this, because right before we finalized it, my daughter relapsed yet again. We added a codicil to the wills that stated something to the effect that 'after much deliberation and with heavy hearts, we removed DD2 from this will due to her addiction and illegal activities.' She knows about this. She understands that it is SOLELY to protect her. Her sister who adores her and whom we trust to probably always err on the side of leniency, will be in charge of the trust and will take care of her sister (DD2) up to the maximum amount she can "gift" her with legally, while she is sober. When she is not, she will to the best of her ability, enable recovery.
If DD2 gets more time under her belt and we're still around to reconsider this, we can remove the codicil and its a 50/50 split between the girls, but EVEN THEN, they only get a percentage of it each year until its gone. It's just a gift from us each year for something special, til its gone. And that's assuming we don't have to use it in our old age.
Now, the logic for us taking DD2 out of the family trust is NOT just to keep her from misusing the money for drugs. Consider this: if she were loaded and had a car accident while running a red light..... and when she ran that light she took out a young mother with a stroller..... that's just an example.... there is no way that there could be a fine or monetary settlement that would COME AGAINST THE TRUST. She would appear assetless, as she is now. That would leave the money in my other daughter's hands to take care of her, if she chose at some point to again seek recovery.
It's the best we can do right now. It breaks my heart and I cry when I think about it, because even though she says she understands it now..... someday, it will look once again like we favored her sister. That is something she has perceived all her life, and nothing could be further from the truth. If anything, we've favored her because she seemed so insecure. Whatever. I wish you wisdom and peace in your decisions. I have found neither, in our efforts!! I understand why we have done it, but it is only because we cannot find a better option. It sucks.
We faced this dilemma years ago. The lawyer said if you want to drive a wedge between your children and grandchildren that will last forever, then cut one of them out of your will. At the time, my son was in active addiction, so we decided to leave our daughter the cash, and our son the house. We knew it was not ideal, but we hoped at least he would have a roof over his head for awhile. The value was about the same.
Now he is clean, but we would still not give him a huge sum of cash. It would be a trigger for him, and he is not mature enough (even at 27) to handle the $250 a week paycheck he gets. We set up a trust, and he would get it in increments. Hopefully, as the years go by, he would mature and be prudent with it. But if not..it's a gift, and gifts are given freely and do not come with conditions.
Just my opinion..
I would talk to an estate attorney, lay out the facts, and get something put together that provides a fair solution. Good thing to be thinking about.
Keven will get everything after I'm dead. Which is nothing. I own no car, no house, have a minimal savings, and I mean minimal. So I feel good about leaving it all to him :)
But, in your case, wow. Its not so easy. Maybe leave her a smaller sum than your son who has been part of your life this whole time.
I put everything in a trust that is held in my daughter and sister control. It is all spelled out. I don't want to leave this earth and think for one second my son's drug dealer is getting my money. Anyway, I always appreciate your posts on my blog.
I have no more contact with my child either.
We have a trust set up by a trust attorney giving my three children equal shares in what could amount to lots of money. I don't know that they'd be set for life, but they would have a large nest egg going forward. We have a trustee appointed to ensure they get the money in reasonable amounts over time. The chances are great that my son will blow all his money if someone doesn't oversee his actions. I've done my part to protect him while still sharing equally. I can't imagine just cutting him out.
I'm new to this nightmare, and I am wondering how you are doing after all this time?
Hi Maija,
I am actually doing really well, thanks for asking. I have not posted anything in a while, just because I have nothing on my mind concerning my addict daughter. She has turned her back on me 4 years ago, and I am glad I don't have to live this nightmare anymore. It is the hardest thing I ever had to cope with, but I am used to it now. I just enjoy every day with my wonderful husband and try to live my life to the fullest. Wishing you strength to deal with your nightmare.
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