Friday, May 27, 2011
Unresolved Anger
Yaya has hit on something very real in her comment to my last post. I still harbor a lot of unresolved anger. I am totally agreeing with this diagnosis. I am actually thankful that she brought this up. I don't know what to do about it. Has anyone read any books on this subject? My daughter has violated my trust many years ago, just like many of the other drug addicted kids have done to their parents. No amends have been made to me, after all I have done for her, like all of you. Nothing. Yes, that brings up anger every once and a while. I was raised to be thankful for everything my parents provided for me. We were always told how good we had it. Of course, it was in no comparison to how my kids grew up and they were also raised to be thankful. Drug addiction just strips our kids of any dignity or kindness or unselfishness they have or were taught. I have forgiven her but the anger still resides deep in my heart and sometimes I feel I hang on to it because it's all I have left of my beautiful girl.
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9 comments:
Sweetheart, I know you have lots of anger, and that anger is really a huge hurt that has been growing for years. The thing about anger and resentment, it doesn't affect the person your upset with, it affects you. And if you choose to try and let go of some of the anger, maybe somehow that will be one step closer to reconciling with her. There's nothing she can do to change the past and all the ways she's lost your trust, broke your heart, etc.; but maybe there is a way to have a new start with her. Those two kids are missing out on a wonderful grandmother. Maybe she has matured enough to realize that. I hope so. I hope I didn't say the wrong thing here, I just care a lot about you and want to see you at peace with her. My ex bf used to tell me we choose how we feel, I don't know if I buy that, but maybe you could choose to let go of the anger? (you have my permission to tell me off if I've said too much, I sat here for almost an hour trying to figure out how to say this and this was the best I could do)
Oh Barbara, you are so sweet! Thank you for these words. No you did not say too much. It gives me a lot to think about. I am touched by how much you care. You are so right. I am working on it though. It's as tough as quitting enabling. I think it is just so deep ingrained in me from childhood that this is unacceptable behavior, and I just have to try to get over it somehow. Thank you for caring so much about me. Love and hope...
yes,...this is a very tough one...letting go of anger for being treated the way you've been. what helps me(and trust me, I'm not there yet at all) is to look at it as a function of the addiction and not my son's true self,..but that's also a difficult thing to feel, vs. just consider in thought,..if you know what I mean. As I've said before, it's an explanation, but not an excuse for that behavior, or in any way condoning it. But it's true, the anger and resentment eats us up, not them. Thinking of you and hoping you'll find a solution to resolve this.
I understand the anger but agree with Barbara. I get hurt more than angry and that is with everyone not just my son. He does things that are terrible and it baffles me. He was not RAISED that way either. I hope you can let go of the anger, it is hurting you more than her. I read some blogs where the Parents are totally done and don't want anything to do with their addicts and I always hope that will not be me. But, I am not raising his kids, he is 20 and he does not live with me although I seem to have a lot of Drama. Several months ago I just started referring to the addict and Blake as two separate people. I know when I am speaking to the addict and I remind him that I will not speak to the Addict to please tell Blake to call me. It sounds crazy I am sure but honestly it has really helped me. Blake has even started referring to "the addict" as well. It just isn't easy and I would never judge a Parent who does not speak to their Addict because I may be there one day as well. Your daughter can never change the past no matter how much she wants to. If she is sober, I would bet she is angry enough for the both of you over the things she did in the name of drugs. The times where my son isn't using that is something he always brings up is all the crap he has caused. Praying for you.
Thank, Tori. I don't know if she is using or not. All I know is that she is spending a lot of time with my ex and his wife (who she hated all this time)and has not called me in three years. I am afraid to get hurt, that's why I don't call her. I feel if she is ready, I'll hear from her. As long as she has something to hide. I won't.
I don't think letting go of the anger is actually resolving the anger.
Along time ago I realized the only one suffering from my anger was myself. I let it go. I forgave her. I detached. But I never "resolved" the anger.
I think to resolve the anger I would need to be able to vocalize it to my daughter. I need to tell her "out loud" what she has done to her family. She needs to know what her actions have done. She walks around thinking because she isn't using that "all is well with the world" and why don't I just "give" her children back. (I have been the guardian of her three children for the last two years).
I think maybe if I had the opportunity to "vent" my anger, then it would be resolved.
And while it doesn't control my life, and I do love my daughter, it remains "unresolved". For us to have a relationship I feel she has to know what she's put us through for the last 17 years.
Make any sense at all?
Thank you Yaya. Yes you make a lot of sense. I cannot verbalize my anger toward my daughter because, for one thing, I have not talked to her in years. If I was able to verbalize, it would just be a shouting match before long. In her eyes, she did not do anyting wrong, it was the drugs that did it. I don't know where she is at her stage of addiction or recovery, but I also know that you cannot have a rationale conversation with an addict. Well, I guess I am on my own dealing with it. I will succeed, because I have to. I just miss her so much sometimes and I think the kids would prfit from another set of grandparents who loves them But it is not the evening of all days (German saying) and I will never give up hope.
Does YAYA have a blog? I sure would love to read it. She often has such wise things to say. Can anyone direct me?
I haven't read through all the other posts, so sorry if I repeat. I do want to say I understand. I have some of that anger as well. "Letting it go" is a concept I fully understand but sometimes easier said than done. My family has been torn apart and there's nothing I can do to fix it. Sometimes I have acceptance and can be grateful for what we do have. Often I can. And sometimes I'm so angry about it. I think it's a normal response and it's good that you're talking about it here. We all have grieving to do, and anger is part of that process as well. God bless.
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