Joy and Hardship

I have not said anything in a long time because, well, there was just not much to say. Things have changed a little in the meantime. Shortly after Christmas I received a Christmas card from my daughter. Surprise is the understatement of the year! I had sent her a birthday card a couple of months earlier, but never expected to hear anything else. She had my granddaughter draw a few little hearts on the card because she also wanted to wish me a Merry Christmas. It melted my heart and at this point, my tears were in free flow. My daughter wanted me to give her my email address to that she could mail me some pictures of my grandchildren. I responded, got pictures and to make a long story short, we talked on the phone last night for a long time and for the first time in almost 5 years. We made plans to have lunch soon. I could not be more excited. Now to the sad part. My son-in-law is gravely ill. He had been treated for colorectal cancer and has lost so much weight that he has to be on introvenous feed for the time being. His bowels are non-functioning. The only thing helping with the painful cramps is liquid morphine. My daughter quit her job and is taking care of her two little ones and her husband. They are living with my exhusband, which brings a lot of problems with it, of course. My ex is supporting an extra four people under his roof. He is a saint, because I don't think I could do it. My daughter says she is totally stressed out and does not have 5 minutes to herself in a normal day. She is on Suboxone under a doctor's supervision. She calls it a miracle drug. I read many pros and cons about it, I am not really sure what to think of it. It works for her, so therefore it works for me too for the time being. I am scared and excited at the same time. The memories of my girl of the last ten years include nothing but addiction and its vast impact on everyone and every thing. I am ready to meet my grandchildren and to make new memories with my beloved girl. Wish me luck, I will need it.

This is worth a blog posting!

Life has been going on as usual and therefore I really did not feel like I had anything worth while to write about. However, something happened that I feel is worth talking about! It is really a sad occasion, but at this point, after waiting for many years patiently, I'll take anything I can get. I have not had any contact with my daughter for over 4 years now. She has had a little girl almost 3 years ago, and I still have not even met her. She has a little boy who I have seen once, when he was 6 months old. He will be 5 soon. I almost got used to not being in touch with my girl. A few weeks ago, my son, who talks to his sister occasionally, told me that my daughter's husband has been diagnosed with colorectal cancer. He has been hurting for over 2 years, but he never went to the doctor, because they don't have insurance. Well, it got so bad that he stopped eating and he had lost a lot of weight. The doctor immediately recognized the severity of his condition. He was scheduled for a colostomy pouch surgery and chemo and radiation were started immediately. They applied for medicaid and are waiting for more test in order to stage the cancer. I really don't know what his chances for survival are, but I have a feeling that they are not good. I continue to pray for his recovery. I wanted to reach out to my daughter. Something inside kept telling me I need to reach out. After careful deliberation I just decided to write a little card to let her know that I love her and that I think about her every day. I did not expect to hear from her. I have long learned that if you don't have any expectations, you cannot be disappointed, only pleasantly surprised. Well it took almost 3 weeks but I heard back from my girl. She wrote me a card! She told me that their lives had been turned upside down since finding out about the cancer and that she appreciates my thoughtfulness and that she loves me! Let me just say that I was pleasantly surprised! I don't know what the future holds for our relationship, but I do know that the door has just been opened a little. It made me so happy that I shed a few tears of joy and continue to wait patiently...

This little dog

His name is Jackson T. (for trouble) and he has brought us so much joy. I don't have the luxury of physically lavishing my love on my kids and grandkids, so Jackson is it. I am so glad that he is kind enough to endulge me.

Another blogger talked about getting a dog similar to Jackson (he is a Cavachon - half Cavalier Spaniel and half Bichon Frise) and I can only say: go for it. If he is already on your mind, it won't take long until he is in your heart.

He will be 1 year old on January 31. I might even have a birthday party for him! (Just kidding). My husband mentioned the other day how we can't even remember life before Jackson.

Wise Words

I just read a post by Rosemary, on the FB page "Mother of an Addict" that is truly profound:
"Trying to save an addict is like trying to swim to the surface with them pulling you down. If you down let go, you will both drown."
For myself, I was feeling the desperate struggle to save myself, when I realized that there was nothing I could do to save my daughter.

Sometimes

More often than not lately, especially with Christmas lurking around the corner, I wonder what my life would be like if pills had not invaded my family.

Last Wills and Testaments

Since I don't have contact with my daughter anymore, I don't have much to blog about. I read the other blogs and contribute if I feel I have something useful to add. That being said, my daughter is never far from my heart and my mind. Lately, I have been contemplating my last will. I am seriously considering not leaving anything for her, not so much based on the fact that she is an addict and I don't know if she is in active addiction or not, but that she completely shut me out of her life. I have basically forgiven her, but it still is bothersome at times for me not to be part of her life at all. And of course, there are the grandkids I have never met. Anyway, I digress. How do you deal with this decision whether to leave any of your estate to your addict kids? Would you include them if they were in recovery for a certain period of time? What about if they are still active in their addiction? To me, it would mean that I leave my hard earned possessions to my daughter and I can just about bet what it would be used for. What about someone who is in recovery and all of a sudden inherets something valuable. Would that be a trigger to start using again? Skip a generation and leave it to the grandchildren? What if there ae no grandchildren? Please give me your thoughts.

Calling out other bloggers is just wrong!

I have come across this problem a few times now and it really makes me angry. There is no need to call out other bloggers and make examples out of them. Lord knows, none of us is perfect, but we are trying our best to cope with a very difficult situation on a daily basis.. We are allowing others to take an intimate look at our most sacred worries and fear, hopes and loves. We should not be judged for that by our fellow bloggers.

I appeal to all members of our blogging community to abstain from this devastating practice. It serves no purpose and it defeats the true meaning of this self help support group of parents and loved ones of drug addicted childen.

Thank you.