Today is my Birthday!

For the last few years I have waited for a word from my girl every birthday that came around. I waited and hoped, maybe next year. Well, today I did not have to wait very long! At 7:30 this morning, on my way to work my phone rang and two little voices were singing Happy Birthday to me! I cried tears of joy and told my little grandkids that this was the best birthday present ever! I am still in awe over the joy of this moment. I have so much peace in my heart being in touch again with my precious daughter and my grandchildren. We see each other about every other weekend, actually they are coming to celebrate my birthday on Saturday. I am so excited to get to see them again, play with them and love on them. Later on this morning, my son called on Skype and my other three grandkids serenated me from the other part of the world. This is the first birthday ever that I got to talk to all of my grandchildren and to my son and to my daughter. I am one blessed, happy mom/grand mom. A friend of mine on Face Book told me today: you are very loved. Yes, indeed I am!

The Grandchildren

On Saturday, I met my grandchildren for the first time. They are adorable, perfect, cute, sweet angels from heaven. My grandson is 5 and my little granddaughter is 3 years old. They were a little shy at first, but proudly presented me with their little hand prints on construction paper complete with magnets for me to put on my refrigerator. My daughter brought me pink tulips in a dish, perfect symbols of Spring, symbolizing a new beginning. I could not be happier or prouder. I am soaking up the moments and the opportunity to finally enjoy these little ones and have a new relationship with my girl. This is what I have hoped for and it is coming true so totally unexpectedly. I will see them again Sunday and I can't wait! Life is good, actually is more than that, it's awesome. That is all I know! Thank you for celebrating with me!

The Wait Is Over!

Almost 5 long years, and the wait is over. Boom, over, just like that. I can hardly believe it myself. D and I had a joyful reunion on Saturday at a nice restaurant. We hugged and cried for many minutes until we were finally able to settle down and get caught up on the "lost" years. It felt so right to have her sitting beside me and I suddenly realized how much of a void she had left in my life. Her personality is very similar to mine. My friends say she looks a lot like me. Her looks have changed over the years (I am sure mine have too), but where she always looked very young for her age, I suddenly saw a mature woman and not the little girl that was stuck in my mind. Right now I feel at ease and I am finally at peace, one day at a time. It is hard to express with words what I am feeling. Let's just say that every time my cell phone rings and it says "D" is calling, I do a double take. Can it really be true? The conversations flow easily, almost like we had never skipped a beat. Of course, I have my guard up and I told her that she now has a chance to earn my trust back. I realize that my joy cannot overshadow everything I have learned over the past 10 years. And did I say how good it felt to finally be able to put my arms around her once again, hold her close to my heart and tell how much I love her?

Joy and Hardship

I have not said anything in a long time because, well, there was just not much to say. Things have changed a little in the meantime. Shortly after Christmas I received a Christmas card from my daughter. Surprise is the understatement of the year! I had sent her a birthday card a couple of months earlier, but never expected to hear anything else. She had my granddaughter draw a few little hearts on the card because she also wanted to wish me a Merry Christmas. It melted my heart and at this point, my tears were in free flow. My daughter wanted me to give her my email address to that she could mail me some pictures of my grandchildren. I responded, got pictures and to make a long story short, we talked on the phone last night for a long time and for the first time in almost 5 years. We made plans to have lunch soon. I could not be more excited. Now to the sad part. My son-in-law is gravely ill. He had been treated for colorectal cancer and has lost so much weight that he has to be on introvenous feed for the time being. His bowels are non-functioning. The only thing helping with the painful cramps is liquid morphine. My daughter quit her job and is taking care of her two little ones and her husband. They are living with my exhusband, which brings a lot of problems with it, of course. My ex is supporting an extra four people under his roof. He is a saint, because I don't think I could do it. My daughter says she is totally stressed out and does not have 5 minutes to herself in a normal day. She is on Suboxone under a doctor's supervision. She calls it a miracle drug. I read many pros and cons about it, I am not really sure what to think of it. It works for her, so therefore it works for me too for the time being. I am scared and excited at the same time. The memories of my girl of the last ten years include nothing but addiction and its vast impact on everyone and every thing. I am ready to meet my grandchildren and to make new memories with my beloved girl. Wish me luck, I will need it.

This is worth a blog posting!

Life has been going on as usual and therefore I really did not feel like I had anything worth while to write about. However, something happened that I feel is worth talking about! It is really a sad occasion, but at this point, after waiting for many years patiently, I'll take anything I can get. I have not had any contact with my daughter for over 4 years now. She has had a little girl almost 3 years ago, and I still have not even met her. She has a little boy who I have seen once, when he was 6 months old. He will be 5 soon. I almost got used to not being in touch with my girl. A few weeks ago, my son, who talks to his sister occasionally, told me that my daughter's husband has been diagnosed with colorectal cancer. He has been hurting for over 2 years, but he never went to the doctor, because they don't have insurance. Well, it got so bad that he stopped eating and he had lost a lot of weight. The doctor immediately recognized the severity of his condition. He was scheduled for a colostomy pouch surgery and chemo and radiation were started immediately. They applied for medicaid and are waiting for more test in order to stage the cancer. I really don't know what his chances for survival are, but I have a feeling that they are not good. I continue to pray for his recovery. I wanted to reach out to my daughter. Something inside kept telling me I need to reach out. After careful deliberation I just decided to write a little card to let her know that I love her and that I think about her every day. I did not expect to hear from her. I have long learned that if you don't have any expectations, you cannot be disappointed, only pleasantly surprised. Well it took almost 3 weeks but I heard back from my girl. She wrote me a card! She told me that their lives had been turned upside down since finding out about the cancer and that she appreciates my thoughtfulness and that she loves me! Let me just say that I was pleasantly surprised! I don't know what the future holds for our relationship, but I do know that the door has just been opened a little. It made me so happy that I shed a few tears of joy and continue to wait patiently...

This little dog

His name is Jackson T. (for trouble) and he has brought us so much joy. I don't have the luxury of physically lavishing my love on my kids and grandkids, so Jackson is it. I am so glad that he is kind enough to endulge me.

Another blogger talked about getting a dog similar to Jackson (he is a Cavachon - half Cavalier Spaniel and half Bichon Frise) and I can only say: go for it. If he is already on your mind, it won't take long until he is in your heart.

He will be 1 year old on January 31. I might even have a birthday party for him! (Just kidding). My husband mentioned the other day how we can't even remember life before Jackson.

Wise Words

I just read a post by Rosemary, on the FB page "Mother of an Addict" that is truly profound:
"Trying to save an addict is like trying to swim to the surface with them pulling you down. If you down let go, you will both drown."
For myself, I was feeling the desperate struggle to save myself, when I realized that there was nothing I could do to save my daughter.